


Exes and the Oh My God

by Fearlesskiki



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Exes, F/M, Fic Exchange, Footie Spring Fling, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 00:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10797492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fearlesskiki/pseuds/Fearlesskiki
Summary: When Robert Lewandowski the playboy finally finds the one to settle down, everyone just sets out to ruin it.





	Exes and the Oh My God

**Author's Note:**

  * For [abellyofjelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abellyofjelly/gifts).



Robert is all over the moon as he is now with the love of his life. He could not ask for anything else in this world as the beautiful, elegant and intelligent woman with the name Anna is sitting right in front of him. Robert is head over heels for her. He could not take his eyes over those blue sapphire eyes and that long beachy hair. His hands are all over her lean hourglass body, appreciating every inch of her body. The couple walks along the streets with eyes fixing on each other, keeping themselves in their own bubble. After a long walk, they decide to settle down for a lunch at a corner lot Parisian café. It is a lovely little café decorated with clinging flowers and chequered tablecloths, a perfect setting for lovebirds. Life is perfect. That is until Robert's phone starts to ring.

 

He glances at his phone on the round table where the words _'Do not pick up'_  appears on the phone screen. The call is not a random call from an insurance salesman, it is actually from someone that Robert was close with. Someone very very close with. He taps on the phone to end that phone call before changing his focus back on his girlfriend. The phone continues to ring despite his several attempts to ignore the calls.

 

"Aren't you going to pick up?" Anna asks, eyes darting to the phone and Robert back and forth.

 

"Oh, no. I'm not answering my boss' call during our date." Robert replies as he taps on the phone once again. He is indeed telling the truth. The calls are indeed from his boss. Except that he is not Robert's boss anymore after the little fling they had. It was a messy situation between the two, as his ex-boss, Wojciech is married to a wonderful teacher with a pair of beautiful daughters. Robert just gets into Wojciech's pants because he wants his promotion but he never intends to ruin his boss' marriage. He dumps Wojciech after the promotion but it seems like Wojciech has not let go of him after two years.

 

"What?! But it is a Sunday! Your boss is terrible!" Anna says.

 

"I know right?" Robert replies.

 

Anna shakes her head and excuses herself to the ladies. Robert watches her every step towards the ladies and picks up his phone as soon as Anna disappears from his sight. He goes through the notifications that have been bombing his phone for the last few minutes. There are a few missed calls and a voice message from Wojciech asking Robert about what he has done wrong to his honeybee and ending the message with pleas for Robert to come back with another promotion. And then there is a wave of heart shapes and kissing emoticons from a young lad named Mario Götze. Mario is one of the volunteers from a refugee school that Robert used to help out. He still remembers the day when he turned Mario into a man. It was quite an experience for the both of them. Robert feels sorry for young Mario as the latter is an innocent lad that did not deserve any of Robert's behaviour. Robert is afraid of breaking that fragile little heart that he never actually had the courage to officially break up with Mario. Mario is too kind to him so he left the young lad without a trace. Poor Mario still thinks he is Robert's boyfriend even though Robert has been ignoring the calls for a while.

 

"Who's that?" Anna asks as she walks back towards the table with eyes hovering over Robert's phone.

 

Robert jolts a little hearing Anna's voice. He hides his phone and utters, "Oh, nothing. It's... just mom."

 

"Your mom sends you heart shape emoticons?" Anna asks with her brows arching.

 

"Uhm... yeah," Robert utters.

 

"Aww... that's cute. You mama's boy." Anna's lips are lifted up as she teases Robert, placing a hand over to pinch him. She then hails the waiter to the table. A ginger hair guy comes over the table and as soon as Robert makes eye contact with the man, his jaw drops. The man is no ordinary waiter, it is the guitarist he flirted at the club with the name Marco Reus. Their fling happened not too long ago, it started a little blurry with Robert being tipsy during that time. The two of them ended up banging at the club, the taxi and finishing it in the hotel. It was probably one of the best sex he had in his life. Marco wants Robert's heart but Robert just like his tattoos. They had a few dates but Robert never developed feelings for the guitarist. Despite Marco keeping him warm last winter, he left Marco in the cold as soon as summer comes.

 

"May I help you?" Marco says with a smirk.

 

"Caesar salad, please. And a cup of cappuccino." Anna replies.

 

"Uhm... lemon juice and tuna salad please," Robert says.

 

"Would you like Fettuccine Alfredo instead, sir? You said that was your favourite." Marco says.

 

"It's okay. I'll just have the salad please." Robert replies.

 

"Fettuccine Alfredo it is," Marco says, scribbling his notepad before collecting the menus and goes off. Anna furrows her brows at the waiter and then turns her sight to Robert. She says,

 

"What's wrong with that waiter? Do you know him?"

 

"Erh... no, no. I really have no idea why he behaved this way. Maybe he didn't get enough tips today." Robert replies as he gets up from his chair. "Let's leave this place, shall we?"

 

"What? But we just ordered. And you were that one that suggests this place, Robert." Anna says.

 

Robert squeezes out a smile and slumps back to his chair. His phone vibrates again and this time there are messages from an unknown number. As soon as he opens the message, he barfs. There are nude and erotic photos of a guy named Arjen. Some of the photos even highlight the guy's private parts. Robert feels embarrassed about receiving those photos. He still could not believe that he had sex with that man until this day. It happened when Robert was probably a little tipsy at that time and the lights were too dark for him to see the other party's face. It was only when the lights turned bright Robert realises the man is bald. He was mortified but it was too late.

 

Robert has no idea where Arjen got his number. In fact, he does not know how any of his exes got his number. It was most probably his regular bartender slash friend with benefits Auba who passed the number. Auba is the only one that knew Robert's secrets and the only one that knows his new number apart from Anna. Their relationship started a bit casual but it turned into a big complicated mess. Auba knows Robert has broken a million hearts in the past but that does not stop him to start a relationship with Robert. Maybe Auba was mad that Robert left him for a sugar daddy. Maybe this is his revenge but Robert could not be sure about it.

 

Shortly after Robert puts his phone away, a cup of lemon juice is presented in front of him with an unusual sizzle. Robert's eyes turn wide as he stares at the glass. There is also a cup of cappuccino is presented on Anna's side. Robert senses there is something wrong when he catches a smirk on Marco's face before the latter walks away. He could then see Anna picking up her cup of cappuccino, ready to give it a sip. Robert's mouth turns wide and he swiftly flicks the cup away before Anna could taste the cappuccino. 

 

"Don't drink that!" he shouts. Anna gives him a blank stare as he turns his sight to the drink that is spilling all over the floor. There are no sizzle or different reactions to the floor, just a broken cup with coffee all over it.

 

"What is happening to you, Robert?" Anna asks with her eyes still staring wide at him.

 

"Oh. Nothing. There is... hair in your drink." Robert replies.

 

"Hair? But you don't need to do that, right? We could just ask the waiter to change it." Anna says.

 

"Yeah, maybe I should," Robert says with a weak smile. He then turns his sight away and spots a familiar tall and muscular guy walking into the cafe. Robert gasps because it is his sugar daddy Łukasz Piszczek.

 

"I'm sorry, I need to go to the gents," Robert says, leaving his chair and heads the toilet before Anna could respond. He is hoping to avoid bumping into Łukasz's as he is still using Łukasz's credit card until today. In fact, he just swiped it on Anna's Burberry tote bag. It will be a big blow up if his sugar daddy spots him dating someone else and finding out that he has been spending his sugar daddy's money on another person. Robert could hear Anna's voice calling him at the back but he still continues to move swiftly towards the toilet without even looking back at his girlfriend. When he reaches the toilet, he lets out a huge breath.

 

Robert turns on the tap water and starts to wet his face, with his mind trying to figure out a plan. As he runs his hands through the water, he could feel something creeping on his waist and slowly wrapping it. Robert's heart nearly jump off when he sees Marco's reflection through the mirror.

 

"Are you excited to see me, sweetie?" Marco whispers beside Robert's ear. He then proceeds to nibble on Robert's neck with his hands laying all over Robert. Knowing that Marco is capable of doing anything, Robert stands still and winces. His legs are trembling with his mind praying for Marco to let go of him.

 

"Oh, hi Marco," Robert utters as he lets Marco devours his neck, leaving a few love marks on it. Robert could feel his chest becomes bare as the buttons are slowly loosened. He bites his lip, tries hard not to moan in the room to avoid unwanted attention. Just when Marco starts to unzip his pants, a sound of the door opening interrupts his actions. It seems like Robert's prayers have been answered. A man enters the toilet but his eyes are piercing on both Robert and Marco.

 

"What are you doing?!" the man shouts. 

 

Robert's jaw immediately drops when he sees the man. As if the day did not turn out to be worst, they are busted by Robert's sugar daddy Łukasz. Łukasz gives them a burning stare, his hands are clenched. He looks like he is about to eat them alive. And as if Łukasz is not as angry as he already is, Marco fuels the fire by sneering at him. "Well, fucking. What else does it look like?"

 

"You little prick!" Łukasz yells and moves forward to give Marco a black eye. The punch rages Marco for a war and the both of them start fisting and kicking the other party. In the midst of the chaos, Robert slips out from the toilet and sprints back to his table. He grabs Anna's hand and says,

 

"Anna, we need to leave!"

 

"What? What happened? Why is your shirt unbuttoned?" Anna says with her eyes turned wide. Her eyes then narrow, focusing on Robert's neck. But before she could open her mouth, Robert interrupts her.

 

"It's a long story. I'll explain later." Robert replies. Just when Anna turns to grab her handbag and the other shopping bags, a loud voice comes out of nowhere.

 

"Oh my god! Baby! I missed you so much!"

 

 _Oh my god._ That recognisable voice with a thick Bavarian accent. Robert's eyes turn wide when he hears that familiar voice. He could never forget that voice. It is his dramatic and needy childhood sweetheart Thomas Müller's voice. And that could not be good. Thomas is like a glue and Robert has been hiding from him for many years. But somehow the childhood lover has many ways to find Robert. Thomas would do just anything to reach Robert. Stalking, hijacking somebody else's car, put up disguises... He would stalk Robert from Germany to Poland and even the United States. If Thomas could catch the moon, he would do it for Robert. But Robert could not stand the clingy display from Thomas. Just as he is about to flee, it is already too late. Thomas' arms are clenching on his and start wailing about how much he missed Robert.

 

"Who's this?" Anna asks, with glaring eyes and her arms crossed at the man wearing a pink dirndl.

 

"He's my-" Thomas says.

 

"COUSIN! He's my cousin!" Robert interrupts.

 

"Your cousin calls you baby?" Anna says, brows arching.

 

"Well, he's a bit... clingy," Robert replies with an awkward smile. Anna sticks out her hand for Robert's arm but a hand slaps it away.

 

"Hey, don't touch my baby, lady!" Thomas yells at her. Just when Anna tries to open her mouth, banging sounds from the background interrupts them. There are two men with half shredded shirts wrestling and rolling on the floor, tearing each other apart. Both of them yell at each other with vulgar words and mention Robert's name in between. Anna recognises one of the men. It was the waiter that served them earlier. She turns her sight back to Robert and linking back every weird incident that happened today.

 

"You all are crazy! I'm out of here!" Anna shouts at them and storms out of the café.

 

"Anna! Anna! Please don't go!" Robert says. He tries to catch up with Anna but there is a hand prevents him from moving forward.

 

"Let her go, baby. I will love you." Thomas says, wrapping his arms around Robert and plants a kiss to his lover.

 

"Noooooo..."

**Author's Note:**

> This is written for Footie Spring Fling, which I entered without reading the rules and ended up having an assignment that I intend to give as a prompt for others.
> 
> I had a very hard time figuring out how to write it because I'm not good at being funny and I could imagine others would do well in the prompt because it is indeed a very interesting prompt. I actually gave up once because I had writer's block and I thought that I could never finish this fic. But anyway, I've overcome it and hopefully it looks okay.
> 
> This fic is inspired by the song Exes and Ohs, especially this line: "Ex's and the oh, oh, oh's they haunt me, Like gho-o-osts they want me to make 'em all, They won't let go...". Robert Lewandowski was a playboy and now karma seems to come back and haunt him. The original model for my main character was Cristiano Ronaldo but I like Robert and his ships more so I changed it.
> 
> Apart from Exes and Ohs, this is also loosely based on the songs On My Mind (Ellie Goulding) and Hell on Heels (Pistol Annies)
> 
> This is rated teen and above due to some vulgar language.
> 
> If you like it please give me a kudos. Share it with your friends. Please tell me anything in the comments and I will try my very best to improve :) Every kudos, comment, subscription and bookmark means the world to me. Thank you :D
> 
> Yeah, you can follow me on [Tumblr](http://fearlesskiki.tumblr.com/)


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